Slightly deflated

deflated balloon 2

Sometime in our life we are handed a beautiful balloon all bright and shiny and it is full of hot air and it floats high in the air, kept attached to the ground only by a string.  We bring it home, and put it in our bedroom and smile because it is such a wonder.  But then it starts to deflate.  The air begins to leak out and it starts to shrivel up and sink to the ground.  The beauty is beginning to be lost.

That is how I am feeling today.  A bit deflated.  My positivity and happy is sinking to the ground.  There appears to be a hole in my balloon somewhere and as much as I try to blow it up again, the air is coming out just as fast.

I am hoping it is just for today, and maybe tomorrow.  I’m going searching for some duct tape to fix the balloon.  Or some rubber glue or whatever it takes.  I don’t like the feeling of deflation.

I went to the orthopedic doctor and he told me I have “severe degenerative arthritis” in my entire spine.  That is what is causing the pain.  He referred me back to the pain center and for PT.  He said basically there is very little that can be done for the pain, but maybe pain center can help some.  This may sound insane, but I was really hoping for something like a herniated disc or something like that that could heal or have surgery and be taken care of.  Not another thing that would cause chronic pain.  It just does not fit into my schedule of events right now.

I have some goals in life.  I have not shared them here,  I will eventually, but one of them is pain management and gaining control over my chronic pain from fibro and from my knee so that I can become more active.  For the first time in my entire life, I’ve looked further down the road than just one year, I’ve looked five and ten years down the road, and have actual dreams and goals, and plans to get there.  Pain is not in the picture.  I do not see doing these things with constant, overriding pain in my life.  Diabetes? yes, of course I can do it with diabetes.  No doubt in my mind, but I’m not so sure about pain.  Pain can be totally debilitating.  For the past several days I’ve been pretty much in my bed.

My happiness factor is dropping and fast.  I’m working on that.  I can not and will not allow pain to throw me too far.  It may put me to bed, but it is not going to control my mood.

This is just a little deflation, and there will be some duct tape or rubber cement or what ever it takes to fix the balloon to make it whole again.

#3goodthings

1) supportive friends

2) a kitten who just won’t take no for an answer

3) hot cocoa

Recently, I’ve been feeling scared

I’m not entirely sure the reasons why, but the past week or two I’ve been feeling a little bit afraid.  Afraid of depression sneaking in in it’s little insidious ways that it has a tendency of doing.  Through the back door, through the cracks, I’m not quite sure where it’s going to sneak through, but I’ve been nervous that’s it’s there lurking waiting for the opportunity to strike again.

I took on this whole new way of life, this whole new positive attitude and happiness journey about 7 months ago.  Letting go of depression and negativity.  I’m not stupid and unaware.  I know that bipolar is a chemical thing and that I need to take medication for it.  I am doing that.  I’m still seeing a therapist, although not weekly at the moment.  The attitude change, well, I just feel good all over, I feel happy and at peace with life.

I spend time in prayer, working on gratitude, being around positive minded people.  I read uplifting books.  I focus on the good things in my life and let the more negative things slide off from me, and if they seem to want to stick around, I write them out or talk them out with someone.

Pain.  I’ve been in pain, physical pain, both my knee and my back, for weeks now.  It is affecting my blood glucose.  Now it is beginning to have a bit of an affect on my stress level.  It’s not really surprising it is having an effect on my stress, it is effecting the things I am physically able to do, and my limitations.  I’ve enjoyed having less physical limitations because of less physical pain.

So, is the darkness going to come again?  Do I worry now that this is going to come because I’m in pain and my stress level is rising?  How do I deal with this now?  I guess for now the answer is to be aware, to write, to talk it through with a friend or a professional, and to keep focusing on the happy and the good and to continue to pray.

I can also, ask you, my friend, to pray, or send good thoughts, positive energy, whatever it is you do that the darkness does not come over me again.  Thank you.

#3goodthings

1) Pets that like to cuddle when you need to nap

2) Kids that text back when you text to say “I love you”

3) Friends who love you even when your a crab all day