One twelth of the year…

The future is exciting

WOW, January is almost at a close.  Did you pick a word for the year?  Or a goal?  Goals?  Where do you stand with these?  Have you made successes?  Dropped them?

January is typically a month where we start like the rabbit and then turn into the turtle.  Especially for a lot of us from New England.  We hide in our shells.  We’ve often had enough of Winter and retreat into our homes and cover up with the blankets.  Oh hell, I dunno about the rest of you, but that is certainly what I do.  I start with great expectations and wonderful, lofty goals and then end the month with a stuffy, red nose and the blankets pulled up over me and no clue why I dreamed it possible I could accomplish anything.  My new dream is usually sipping margaritas under a palm tree with a scantily clad fantasy man serving me.  Oh well, that’s for another day’s post.

This year I didn’t really write out a lot of goals.  I did a little bit of cheating and carried a lot of last years goals over into this year as continuations.  Yes, there are a few add-ons, but not a lot.  My big thing at the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 was searching for a word or phrase for the year.  Embrace Metamorphosis.  Grab a hold of change and growth.  To take what comes to me this year with grace and dignity and greet it with a smile and give it the love it deserves.  That is how I want to deal with 2015.

I knew there would be some changes in my life.  D would be one.  Not really a change I was looking forward to, but one that was outside of my total control and I was going to have to learn to accept and go forth with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.  Sometimes change is difficult.  Loss is hard.  We don’t forget our past, we should learn from it and enjoy the fact that it has taught us and for me, D brought me great pleasure and I will forever be grateful for her.  We or I need to learn where things go from here.  I am ready now to embrace this change.  It’s taken me a while, but I think I’m ready.

School.  Well, I knew ending 2014 that this was a definite possibility for 2015, but had no frickin clue that it would be the very first thing I would face.  So stinking exciting.  I feel like a kid in a candy store.  Jumping in with both feet.  No, it’s not college, and it’s not a degree program.  It’s not going to be what every kid dreams of at the age of 17.  I’m not 17, I’m 54.  My dream is not to go to school for the next 4-8 years and have a lifelong career.  My hope is to move forward, to go positive in my life.  School is a definite positive and forward move in my life and I couldn’t be more excited if I were 17 and got accepted at Harvard.

Arthritis. DAMMIT.  This one I had NOT expected.  OR Wanted.  Okay, I had started to put some dreams and long term goals in place.  They aren’t firm or solidly planned out, but they are starting to take hold, and having something that gives chronic pain (on top of the stupid fibro) is something I had not figured into this.  How do I embrace this change?  For now, I’m praying.  I’m asking my friends to pray and to send positive thoughts and energy and prayers my way.  Just yesterday I was given some positive words that I’m trying to hold onto.  “I choose to believe the present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory to be revealed in us.” Romans 8 .  I CHOOSE.  Yes, I can choose to believe.  I believe good things are coming despite the arthritis or maybe in spite of it.

So to end this day, or this month, I’m choosing to embrace metamorphosis.  To take the changes and the growths as they come and hold onto them, look them in the eye and welcome them as a part of my life.  Some good, some not so good.

The future is exciting.

#3goodthings

1) spending time with my son

2) not going off the road in the snow storm

3) going out to lunch and having a yummy salad

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Slightly deflated

deflated balloon 2

Sometime in our life we are handed a beautiful balloon all bright and shiny and it is full of hot air and it floats high in the air, kept attached to the ground only by a string.  We bring it home, and put it in our bedroom and smile because it is such a wonder.  But then it starts to deflate.  The air begins to leak out and it starts to shrivel up and sink to the ground.  The beauty is beginning to be lost.

That is how I am feeling today.  A bit deflated.  My positivity and happy is sinking to the ground.  There appears to be a hole in my balloon somewhere and as much as I try to blow it up again, the air is coming out just as fast.

I am hoping it is just for today, and maybe tomorrow.  I’m going searching for some duct tape to fix the balloon.  Or some rubber glue or whatever it takes.  I don’t like the feeling of deflation.

I went to the orthopedic doctor and he told me I have “severe degenerative arthritis” in my entire spine.  That is what is causing the pain.  He referred me back to the pain center and for PT.  He said basically there is very little that can be done for the pain, but maybe pain center can help some.  This may sound insane, but I was really hoping for something like a herniated disc or something like that that could heal or have surgery and be taken care of.  Not another thing that would cause chronic pain.  It just does not fit into my schedule of events right now.

I have some goals in life.  I have not shared them here,  I will eventually, but one of them is pain management and gaining control over my chronic pain from fibro and from my knee so that I can become more active.  For the first time in my entire life, I’ve looked further down the road than just one year, I’ve looked five and ten years down the road, and have actual dreams and goals, and plans to get there.  Pain is not in the picture.  I do not see doing these things with constant, overriding pain in my life.  Diabetes? yes, of course I can do it with diabetes.  No doubt in my mind, but I’m not so sure about pain.  Pain can be totally debilitating.  For the past several days I’ve been pretty much in my bed.

My happiness factor is dropping and fast.  I’m working on that.  I can not and will not allow pain to throw me too far.  It may put me to bed, but it is not going to control my mood.

This is just a little deflation, and there will be some duct tape or rubber cement or what ever it takes to fix the balloon to make it whole again.

#3goodthings

1) supportive friends

2) a kitten who just won’t take no for an answer

3) hot cocoa